lonelywhiteasian: lay nudes at my gravestone, not flowers. flowers will wither away, but a bomb ass booty is forever
titaniumbutt: you may be the but i am the
twistedviper: whorusszahhak: perfectionistdia: whorusszahhak: don’t ever take me on a date to an aquarium because i will ignore you and spend the whole time looking at the fish But, if you think about it, that’s all the more reason to go. The person you’re dating gets to sit back and watch you smile and have fun. All the while, he/she’s falling deeper in love with you. thatS REALLY...
your virginity (Taken with instagram)
vaspim: You wanna know what gets me off? What really turns me on? Writing an essay without changing the default size 11 Calibri font with no line spacing, and then changing it to size 12 Times New Roman with double spacing and seeing it grow from 3 to 5 pages. Yeah, that really gets me going.
koishy: please dont sit right next to me while im on the computer that is just not happening
njena: i think the reason perfume commercials are so weird is because they have to advertise a smell without using smells
joeyskorka: tardisity: The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realist shit ever then you can get right on outta town.
karkaties: if i lay here if i just lay here yep im just laying here not gonna stop laying here
because-yolo: sO TODAY I WENT TO THE BANK WITH MY MOM AND SHE WAS GETTING MONEY AND SHE SAID “YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS MONEY IN A SAFE PLACE” SO I WENT TO HER EAR AND WHISPERED “IN MY BUTTHOLE” AND I GUESS THE BANK LADY HEARD ME BECAUSE SHE STARTED LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AND SHE COULDN’T STOP
rigginsrigs: does anybody else have that friend that you’re pretty sure is your soulmate but in a friend way
Other people: wow what a perfect morning for a run
Me: wow what a perfect morning to go the fuck back to sleep
goddammitfenton: if you ever feel bad about yourself, just remember this one time in my english class, we were writing horror stories and one of the girls wrote “it was friday the 13th, the night before halloween” for her opening sentence
pizza: your favourite celebrity could be pooping right now
hitlervevo: why the fuck cant we text the police lets say there is a murderer in ur house and you’re hiding behind your sofa and you do have your phone with you but you can’t call the police because the murderer might hear you
nannajane: in 7 years its going to be the 20s again so we can bring back swing music and the aesthetics of that era but keep modern values who’s with me
ambassador-of-anguish: shouldertappingghosts: If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would ‘come clean’, telling them that I had released eleven alternate...
Maybe if your dick was thicker than your goddamn eyebrows we wouldn’t be having...– Gay couple arguing outside Walmart (via twinkmob)